heaven knows

Just got back from dinner with relatives. So happen, there's a wedding dinner going on in the same restaurant. It reminded me of a time. The time when I was asked to accompany someone to a wedding dinner as well. Silly thoughts... Drank quite a lot of red wine but it didn't take effect. Darn. Wish it would.
Movie night yesterday was great. It was a nice movie: drums line. Except that the day was seriously hot. Unfortunately it wasn't under air-condition. So it was sauna for a bit. But nevertheless, it turned out good.

~edge of sanity~

Spend the whole day just sitting and staring at the four walls in the living room. The day's as dull as ever. I can't stop it...I just can't. So I penned them down in a different way. Will post it up as soon as it's done. Wonder if you'll understand what I'm trying to say then... Haven't done it in a long time. As for now, let this music say part of it...

It has been confirmed. After the approximately 1 month of sucking it up. I've finally crashed. Can't say that I've slept for the past few weeks. Appear to be sleeping but mind is not asleep. With things that come along the way, I just suck it up. Take it in and swallow it down. Now it has finally decided that it's time to CRASH....hard. And the feeling is DAMN SHIT!!!(forgive me Lord) Head burned and ached very badly today like it did last time. Haven't had it for such a long time and it's back. The thoughts are stubborn. It refuses to budge. Internal war....

Wishing for things that are impossible. Unable to say things that I really mean and feel. It's just a plain dead end. Seek comfort in the cold lonely darkness once again...

Arghh...!!! Grr...!!! Frustrated. Frustrated. FRUSTRATED!!! It makes me so frustrated that all the soothing songs in the world wouldn't help at this moment. Am frustrated at how it keeps repeating over and over again. Am frustrated at how I can't think of a solution still. Am frustrated for being in frustration and can't seem to calm down....stupid right? But I'm still frustrated. And it just keeps building up...swt-ness.
Was half-way driving back from uni after meeting today. Once again...a pool of thoughts and I'm swimming in it. And out of nowhere...it sort of linked to this song....

"Wherever you go, whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes, or how my heart breaks
i will be right here waiting for you"

Added swt-ness to the max. Of all times...

Hmm...I think I should have ventured into psychiatry or psychology. Might have benefitted me and I would be able to profit from there with all the counselling sessions that I'm giving nowadays. Hah!! Yes yes, I listen to people without any charge at all. FOC!! And yes I'm good at giving good solutions to personal problems but somehow I can't do the same for myself. Weird isn't it?
Then someone asked me..."how come you don't seem affected by things that just happened? changed already?" That has to be the funniest question I've gotten....well, at least it's funny to me. lol. It's not that I'm not affected, but why bother showing? It's not going to change the situation now would it? And no I've not changed. Haha. God knows I don't change that fast and I've already made my decision long time ago. Weird and funny questions people ask nowadays.
Hmm...I should charge consultation fees next time!! Yes yes....=P

Went for cell yesterday night and learned something. Cheating people. Well, when we say we cheat on someone, everyone will take it in a bad way no doubt. But what I learned was..."cheat on those you must cheat but never cheat on your loved ones". Very very true. We were watching a conference that was talking about this. It's interesting and really true. There's only so much you can help someone or do for someone, there's only so much work you can get done in a day. But you're wasting all those time just to do those things and neglect those that really care and love you.

Lesson of the day: "the lesser you do, the more you accomplish"

Sounds ridiculous right? But it makes sense. Things will fall into place eventually. Never apply the "if i don't......, it won't....". Fill in the blanks yourself. Learn to say no to things or people and set your priorities because you'll end up trying to please everyone if you don't.

So, spend time with those people that you care for and love. Even if you haven't heard from them for a long time, learn to reach out and you might never know the reply you'll get from them. Don't get buried in work or doing something else all the time.


Cheers!!

Finally 1st semester finals are over. Feel rather relieved after continuous days of being nervous, panicking, not sleeping and studying like there's no tomorrow. Glad that it's over.

Got a call from a friend last night telling me about his problems. At a time like this, I can still listen to other's problems and comfort them...interesting is it not? But nevertheless, I do the best I can. It reminded me of my own things as well. Keep wondering why people always fail to see the other side of things. There's always 2 sides to a story. Why only evaluate and judge from one angle when you can look at both sides of the picture? Is it so hard to look at the better side of things? The better side of a person? Watched a few movies that gave me some thoughts too...hmm... Remembering some things. Not like studying for finals went well the past few weeks. I was reading for PR 2 days ago, my last paper. Out of the blues, tears just trickled down. Omg....what the..... Those thoughts came rushing into my head. Good lord....and it was 3.30am already. My paper was at 9am the next morning. Goner. Scrambled to pull my thoughts together back to my PR notes.

It all still seems like it was just yesterday. I've decided long ago and it's not going to change. ......will always never change.

Got some good song recommendations recently thanks to PY. Meaningful...

"taking hold, breaking in
the pressures on, need to circulate
mesmerized and taken in
moving slowly, so it resonates
it's time to rest, not to sleep away
my thoughts alone, try to complicate
i'll do my best, to seek you out
and be myself, not to impersonate
tried so hard to not walk away
and when things don't go my way
i'll still carry on and on just the same
i've always been strong
but can't make this happen
'cause i need to breathe, i want to breathe you in
the fear of becoming
i'm so tired of running
and i need to breathe, i want to breathe you in
i want to breathe you in"

"she fooled all of her friends into thinking she's so strong
but she still sleeps with the light on
and she acts like it's alright on, as she smiles again.......
she's a question without answers
who feels like falling apart
she knows, she's so much more than worthless
she needs to find a purpose
she wonders what she did to deserve this"

*f.y.i. PY, those are christian songs...lol. but they're good though.

~the happy memories pull me through everytime, everyday~

for some reason, i just can't seem to let go of things. it's just too much. and letting go of it all is the same as breaking myself. i always ponder why all this happen...thinking that everything happens for a reason. but i still fail to find the reason behind it all. kept myself going for 1 reason...and now, even that reason is lost.

over and over again the same question appears but i have yet to find the answer. from being a complete person i was few months ago, to a person that is completely incomplete.

everyday is a masquerade. it's a matter of time before i completely lose it all...
everything is a mess and just this once, i can't fix it anymore.

this might be the last blog entry...or it might not. i'm not sure. but for the time being, it'll be left so as this is the last entry...

*breathe out*
finally got a bit of break and study time. more like have to force out the study time. haven't been studying for the past 3 days and the exam's near!!! #%$@&*!#@$&%$&...sigh. went back for tennis yesterday and my coach said to me,"i hope you're back for good this time". the usual reply i'll always give, "i'll try, i'll try". haha. can't help it. at least my strokes are still there! thank god! unfortunately..."old age" kicks in...no stamina...swt.

and for today, met up with my girls. had nice chats after so long...got to make it more often! hehe. went for cell group after that. yup, finally went for cell. and......it was fun! just got home not too long ago. now to study....pray for the determination to study!! haha...

back to the books and notes and whatever now...

watched high school musical 2 last night. yup, before it's released here in malaysia. thanks to limewire. i'll let you judge the show on your own when you've watched it. but here's some of the songs that really caught my heart...





enjoy if you like the show...

the internet has finally come to its senses...it became normal again. anyways, i heard of a story bout a girl today...

"this girl woke up early enough to get ready for her meeting at 2pm. and so she did. she went on her way to the meeting venue with things still well couped up in her head but she did not let it affect her. the meeting went on...discussions, decision makings and all. everyone talked and laughed and this girl had to force out a smile on her face so as to join everyone. meeting's over..she headed back home. on the way home, she saw an accident on the other side of the road. it reminded her of another accident. thoughts went into her head and everything came back to her concious mind. she kept thinking of the same thing over and over again. she drowned in her thoughts with the music in the background playing "how do i breathe without you here by my side, how will i see when your love brought me to the light...". in those deep thoughts, her vision started to blur....and when she came out of it for a moment, she saw the break lights of the car in front of her and she breaked as much as she could...just managed to stop before hitting the bumper of the car in front...."

who's the girl? is it true? don't ask me. like what i've said before....writer's going bonkers. so it's your choice to believe it or not.
will be trying to continue or start...whatever...my so called studying.

~i bet the bracelet broke....~

my internet at home has been confirmed to be CRAZY!!! and it's seriously pissing me off.

*note: writer might not sound like herself from this point forth coz she's going bonkers. tq.

current situation:
- completely not thinking straight
- mind's a blur
- exam's in a week's time
- revision is a blunder
- in with the right, out with the left (ear, brain...whatever)
- desperately wishing it was christmas (don't ask me why)
- in serious need of a lonesome holiday (already said i'm going crazy....)
- need some sort of remedy which seems impossible to find
- stressed and frustrated
- flow of thoughts jammed in one place

i'm not the person i should be...~

my internet is going bonkers!....sigh.
spent most of my day studying. this was what happened....

right brain (input): animal peroxisomes use oxygen to break fatty acid...bla bla bla
left brain (output): animal peroxisomes use oxygen to break fatty acid...bla bla bla

yup...that's it. in with the right brain and out with the left brain. nothing remained permanent IN the brain. things keep running through my head...mind unconciously occupied with thoughts.....FRUSTRATING.......

then came this song....
"i'm learning to fall,
i can hardly breathe,
when i'm going down don't worry bout me,
don't try this at home
pretend you don't see
i don't want you to know that you know it should have been me"

and.......
my new weight...48kg. that's right...my weight is dropping again...