What a day. To think that it went well but actually it did not. Meeting was a bore. I realised that there are quite a number of things to be done but I just can't get myself to actually do it. I don't know why. All determination is lost. I really don't know what to do.
Got to meet up with some old school friends today....or technically it's yesterday. We talked about all the bad stuff we did in our school days. Like locking the teacher out of the classroom. Those were the days... so enjoyable and carefree. Not to mention the disiplin problems....sigh. Time flew by so fast that I barely got hold of it.
I got to know of somethings as well.
You don't have to hide till that badly. Your old friends are still worth your presence. I'll stay away from your life to make it easier.
Back has been seriously aching the whole day. Sigh....
Just one day...actually not one day. More like few hours at home and I'm complaining of boredom already!! Great, just great. But...managed to go out with my dear gal. We're confirmed shoe addicts...haha. Or maybe I am the shoe addict. Just can't get enough of them. And I'm still eyeing on a few. Hehe..
I just got a comment today. "You let other people dictate your life that's why you're like that." What the hell man. I was randomly judged. Fine...say all you want. I know the person I am. Being true to myself is what's important to me now. It's not the first time anyways. Just go ahead...
Am currently so confused with what people are telling me. I don't know where to stand. So I'll just stand on the wall...and hopefully I won't be lop sided. I didn't know I can be this disappointed to see the other side of people that I've known for so long. And you can be sure that it's heartbreaking as well. It's just so hard to believe...
I think this song describes my current situation very well. It keeps playing over and over again in my head....
But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
This is the time where I just got to hang on tight to Him and trust in Him to put things back in order because I definitely can't do it.
Just got in not too long ago from a gathering with the girls. I got sprayed in my face and directly into my eyes. No fireworks this year. And the season that seems happy to a lot of people isn't in me at all. I've waited all year long for this time to come. But now that it's here, I don't feel a bit happy at all. It's just not Christmas without...... After constantly keeping my life in motion for the past few months, I really find myself melting down this time when I just take some time to stop and breathe. And now I have to find the strength from God knows where to stand through another day tomorrow.
I really wonder if you know.... but then again I don't think you will. I'd give anything to have that day back again...
Turned on my radio today and I heard this song....
"my wish for you,
is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
you never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
i hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
this is my wish"
I remember this song...it still is....
I think I'm extra cheong hei today, blogging another post. Haha. Headache is killing me good now....pain, pain, pain. My stubborness has kicked in too. I refuse to move from my room to take any sort of painkiller. My headache hasn't come for quite a while now, but it's back. Everywhere pain... Even my ankle and my knee is having pain. Fortunately, mom doesn't know about it. I'm still continuing tennis like normal...not bothered about the pain...just running like mad. Pain on the wrist seemed to have stopped the moment I control my racket swing but all my shots are like crap because I control and am cautious. Darn... I can't get it right and it's frustrating.
And I'm starting to lose my patience on people that keep asking me to promise them things. I can't promise anything! Not anymore because I definitely won't keep them now. Promises and memories got me by all those times. But now things force me to be different. I can't promise anything no more.
I really need to get some sleep. My head is spinning round and round like a carousel and I feel like falling. Luckily I'm sitting on my chair. Bed...bed.....
Let me start off with a big sigh. I skipped church this morning. I feel so bad and I seriously feel sad. Yeah...you guys must be thinking, "what? sad coz didn't go church?". I had to skip today cause I seriously have to clean out my room. I've been throwing stuff into the box since like 10.15am. Putting away stuff that I don't need that has been on my table for months! As I'm going through all the stuff, I feel my own faith in Him wearing thin. Damn man. The situation is the same as me putting away stuff that don't hold any meaning anymore...it used to but it doesn't now since things are like this.
I wish it was still here. But I guess it's too late.... I miss it so much...
I feel damn affected now and it's not a good sign.
And...I just saw something. And I'd like to say this.... STOP F***ING COPY WHAT I WRITE AND WHAT I DO!! Don't believe it's coming from me? Think again. Even my hair is highlighted red now. Yeah....the wheels are turning. Lots more to come... (girls, does this sound familiar now?? 4 yrs ago? I'm almost there again)
I used to look in the mirror and think that I didn't like the person I was. Because of someone, I managed to change..for the better apparently, and I liked what I saw. I always held on to what you told me to keep myself controlled. Everything's let loose now...fires burning through...hair on fire, hair on fire!!! Help!!! Haha....
And now I see who I can lean on and is always there no matter how far and no matter what. Even when I was feeling so low during camp, that person called me just to talk to me. Don't know how to thank you. But still have to become my driver...hehe.
For the past week or so, I've been out of the house constantly and everyday. Yes, am going to move non-stop. But during last night's family dinner, I almost dozed off while eating halfway. Haha. I partly blame the restaurant for bringing out the food so slowly and filling my stomach with air till I almost fall asleep. All my aunts and cousins were asking me to wake up. Malu-fying man. But I guess it's normal for me. Always got reason for something.....haha....
2 days before Christmas. I don't feel it. Maybe because.........bah!!
Christmas eve night...girls, drinking night!! Since we're very NOT occupied this year. See who go down 1st this time. Haha...hope it won't be me again la. But I didn't really go down the other time right? Haha...It's tomorrow......Yes, yes...must think of a place 1st.
And...I just realised that I've become a shopaholic. Been shopping ever since I got my pay. From cheap (not really cheap also =/) to expensive stuff. Satisfying I would say...nice nice =D But I still want shoes!!! I just saw something I want....haha.
As New Year's approaching, I think I do have a few resolutions this year. I don't usually have resolutions....don't want to disappoint myself. Haha....
- Maintain my attitude and don't change for nothing.
- Must, MUst MUST work extremely crazily harder next year.
- To be a better shopaholic. Haha...
- To be more organized with things.
- To have unwavering faith in Him.
- To TRY and not drive above 130km/hr.
- To have more patience.
- To improve my drums skills.
- HOPEFULLY a better person.
- And of course...to keep my New Year's resolution. =P
I just read Her blog and babe, I think I'm the right person to say that I know how it feels. (if you manage to read this la..lol) It takes a lot..in fact it takes all of you to actually love someone whole-heartedly. So I hope that you can hang in there alright? =) Or I'll emo with you on friday. Haha..
One thing I've learned. To just let it go. No matter how much you love that person, sometimes it's better to just let go. Not for the better of myself but for the better of you. I always want the best for you, so maybe this is it. I don't even count on wishing anymore when I know it won't come true. Throughout the months I've been wondering when will 'that' day come. But now I know it never will come. All I've ever felt was left with you. I can't do much from where I am but only to pray every night that you'll always be alright and have faith that He will answer me everyday.
So then, this is it...
Man...i'm so addicted to heroes. And season 2 is over. *sobs sobs* Am waiting for the last episode to download. Yeah...I know the whole crap about being fined and all for illegal downloading. But...I don't care...
Yeah... I would so like to say "I don't care anymore" to so many things. And....there's always the big 'but'. A whole lot of "ifs" will kill me good. Have to stay away from them....hmm.... Wheels of change are rolling. Actually a lot of wheels are rolling...Haha....
I really sound psychotic now..... Oh well....
Well well... I just got back from an outing with uni friends. Today is suppose to be meeting day. So yeah...I had my committee meeting and all. Then I headed off to fetch my friend and we came all the way back to Subang for lunch. Hehe..
We then decided to crash my place to watch the pathetic show called Enchanted. It's really not worth watching. Seriously. I actually fell asleep after watching half an hour of the show. Even Winnie fell asleep after me. But Amelia actually watched the whole show!! Salute wei...
After much of lazing around in my house, we went out for dinner with another friend. Our actual venue for dinner was steamboat...but it was closed!! Darn..of all days. So we went to pyramid to have our dinner. And we ended up walking aimlessly in Pyramid. At one point, we just looked down at the ice-skating rink and watch people skate and fall.
Man...the ice-skating rink looks like something else to me. Like those things which I've always wanted to do, have always said that I will attempt it soon but never did manage to even do it, I'
ll always look from afar. Yeah...it's sad I know.
Oh well, life's like that I guess. But today is a true testimony to Him and I really thank Him and am so grateful. For weeks, my mom told me some problem about my financial aid thing. And today it just became worse. I was really worried after I left campus. But THANK GOD that in the evening, mom came back with good news. They finally found the problem to the error. A true testimony...
In the pictures are... (1) My room...in a clean condition because it was time to go. (2) The swimming pool which lost so much water because of all our cannonballs. Tim's the best. (3) The football field...all sand. (4 & 5) The picture which was taken while we're looking at our balcony sliding door. (6) The lounge area which I sleep in most of the time before service...especially mornings. (7) The passengers in the Viva...we actually fitted 7 ppl uncomfortably in the Viva at one point. Thank God I'm the navigator. (8) The hall which we have all our services and it's super cold. (9) The source of all the mosquitoes. They're everywhere I tell you! (10) The foyer. That's what they call it. I call it a pond with huge and fat fishes in it. =D
I didn't manage to get the picture saying "I was there but not really there"....the beach. I was in P.D. but I didn't get to go to the beach! So sad. And I saw a shop whose name was "Pee Dee Stationary". Haha...that's original. The food that we had for the few days was surprisingly good. They fed us well till the 'papadam' became 'pak pak dam'. Not to mention 'Pope Jacky the Pak'. Still figuring out how that name came out. Lol.
The only sad thing was....even in camp, I had to go on with my drums lessons. Sigh...sad I tell you. But it wasn't that bad... Overall, thumbs up! I'm still feeling tired now though....
Well well, the past few days was really a roller coaster. Being up and down...busy and all. And now, it's finally time for me to go off. I didn't realise time slipped by me that fast!! But it's good in a way.
Anyways....I was in Carrefour few hours ago. Buying last minute stuffs. After mom paid for the stuffs, and as I was walking...guess what I heard? Fart!!! Like in the really loud FART!!! AND...THE GUY MAKING THE FART WAS RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. Instantly, I was like....WTF!!! The pollution!!! The...the....... argh!!!!! And the guy just continued walking. Seriously....OMG. I would take him out but the dude's HORIZONTALLY HUGE man. I really don't know what to say. Civilization? Hell no! No consideration at all.... My poor nose, my poor lungs, taking in the most deadly and polluted air of all. Dissapointment in Malaysians.....
*hint: don't kill the next generation that fast with highly deadly gas. thank you.
Few more hours to go and I'm still not asleep yet. Hmm.... am so going to faint there man. But....nah, I doubt it.
For the past week, due to the extra hours and days of bumming around in the house doing nuts, I kept pondering and wondering...
I wonder....
I wonder....
I wonder....how, I wonder why, yesterday you told me bout the blue blue sky, and all that I can see, is just a yellow lemon tree =p
Serious addiction I tell you...lol.
-signing off peeps!-
It seems that no matter what I do, it's never good enough. Right...there's always something wrong somewhere. I'm eff-ing tired of this.
Time to lay down dead....like right now.
Man...I'm so addicted to this show. Good story line I would say. Can't wait to watch the next episode.
Days pass so fast when you're caught up with things. You just don't realise that it slipped by you. Christmas is coming soon again. Really is a cold season this year. I used to want so much to see those Christmas decorations and lighting that were put up in KL. I still do. But it's all the same now when everything's in grey.
Looking at him every night as he sleeps, looking at him get weaker by the day. I know the medication isn't working too well. But I just need to try. I don't want to give up without having to try anything for him. So I'll know that when he's gone, the remaining half of me that I have right now will be gone with him as well.
Woah...this is my 50th post. Didn't know I crapped so much already. Hah!
Feels different going to work today. Hmm....don't know how to describe it. Probably because it's the last week of work. Real relief. That place makes me feel like I don't want to have my own kids. Haha....bummer.
Had that weird talk with one of the aunties from work before work started. Hmm....really really weird...
Sudden attack of the flu...and I can feel the sorethroat coming along too...darn. A bit wrong timing right?
Ache here, ache there..... OLD-ness!!!
Wish I could sing that song... I know what I have to do now. It's easier to sing it than to actually do it...
~coz an empty room can be so loud, there's too many tears to drown them out~
Was in ss15 this morning for breakfast with parents. After breakfast, I saw a japanese girl shouting and tugging, pulling, pushing, slapping...all the things you can think of...with what seemed like her boyfriend. That's what I make out of it at least. She was blabbering either japanese or korean at the top of her voice. The guy just continued pushing her out of his way in anger. The girl caught hold of the guy's singlet and pulled so that he won't get away. But the singlet ripped and the guy tore it...and....took it off his back so he could continue walking away. And....the girl just stood there and cry....
What a sight for a morning. Sigh.
Everyone seems to be asking me the same thing. "Are you tired?" "Why do you look so tired?"...Given the amount of hours that I sleep in a day, there is no possible way that I'm tired. Then mom said: "You're not tired. You're just lifeless. You got dead eyes now."
Well...it's true I guess. Life got drained out of my eyes.....sounds so dramatic......lol
And....youth camp is coming very very soon. Finally finalised the details for the games and....I suggested different games and activities compared to the ones they used to have. Be prepared for a change of fun in camp, people! Hopefully all goes well...
