What a day. To think that it went well but actually it did not. Meeting was a bore. I realised that there are quite a number of things to be done but I just can't get myself to actually do it. I don't know why. All determination is lost. I really don't know what to do.
Got to meet up with some old school friends today....or technically it's yesterday. We talked about all the bad stuff we did in our school days. Like locking the teacher out of the classroom. Those were the days... so enjoyable and carefree. Not to mention the disiplin problems....sigh. Time flew by so fast that I barely got hold of it.
I got to know of somethings as well.
You don't have to hide till that badly. Your old friends are still worth your presence. I'll stay away from your life to make it easier.
Back has been seriously aching the whole day. Sigh....
Just one day...actually not one day. More like few hours at home and I'm complaining of boredom already!! Great, just great. But...managed to go out with my dear gal. We're confirmed shoe addicts...haha. Or maybe I am the shoe addict. Just can't get enough of them. And I'm still eyeing on a few. Hehe..
I just got a comment today. "You let other people dictate your life that's why you're like that." What the hell man. I was randomly judged. Fine...say all you want. I know the person I am. Being true to myself is what's important to me now. It's not the first time anyways. Just go ahead...
Am currently so confused with what people are telling me. I don't know where to stand. So I'll just stand on the wall...and hopefully I won't be lop sided. I didn't know I can be this disappointed to see the other side of people that I've known for so long. And you can be sure that it's heartbreaking as well. It's just so hard to believe...
I think this song describes my current situation very well. It keeps playing over and over again in my head....
But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
This is the time where I just got to hang on tight to Him and trust in Him to put things back in order because I definitely can't do it.
Just got in not too long ago from a gathering with the girls. I got sprayed in my face and directly into my eyes. No fireworks this year. And the season that seems happy to a lot of people isn't in me at all. I've waited all year long for this time to come. But now that it's here, I don't feel a bit happy at all. It's just not Christmas without...... After constantly keeping my life in motion for the past few months, I really find myself melting down this time when I just take some time to stop and breathe. And now I have to find the strength from God knows where to stand through another day tomorrow.
I really wonder if you know.... but then again I don't think you will. I'd give anything to have that day back again...
Turned on my radio today and I heard this song....
"my wish for you,
is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,
you never need to carry more than you can hold,
and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
i hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
this is my wish"
I remember this song...it still is....
I think I'm extra cheong hei today, blogging another post. Haha. Headache is killing me good now....pain, pain, pain. My stubborness has kicked in too. I refuse to move from my room to take any sort of painkiller. My headache hasn't come for quite a while now, but it's back. Everywhere pain... Even my ankle and my knee is having pain. Fortunately, mom doesn't know about it. I'm still continuing tennis like normal...not bothered about the pain...just running like mad. Pain on the wrist seemed to have stopped the moment I control my racket swing but all my shots are like crap because I control and am cautious. Darn... I can't get it right and it's frustrating.
And I'm starting to lose my patience on people that keep asking me to promise them things. I can't promise anything! Not anymore because I definitely won't keep them now. Promises and memories got me by all those times. But now things force me to be different. I can't promise anything no more.
I really need to get some sleep. My head is spinning round and round like a carousel and I feel like falling. Luckily I'm sitting on my chair. Bed...bed.....
Let me start off with a big sigh. I skipped church this morning. I feel so bad and I seriously feel sad. Yeah...you guys must be thinking, "what? sad coz didn't go church?". I had to skip today cause I seriously have to clean out my room. I've been throwing stuff into the box since like 10.15am. Putting away stuff that I don't need that has been on my table for months! As I'm going through all the stuff, I feel my own faith in Him wearing thin. Damn man. The situation is the same as me putting away stuff that don't hold any meaning anymore...it used to but it doesn't now since things are like this.
I wish it was still here. But I guess it's too late.... I miss it so much...
I feel damn affected now and it's not a good sign.
And...I just saw something. And I'd like to say this.... STOP F***ING COPY WHAT I WRITE AND WHAT I DO!! Don't believe it's coming from me? Think again. Even my hair is highlighted red now. Yeah....the wheels are turning. Lots more to come... (girls, does this sound familiar now?? 4 yrs ago? I'm almost there again)
I used to look in the mirror and think that I didn't like the person I was. Because of someone, I managed to change..for the better apparently, and I liked what I saw. I always held on to what you told me to keep myself controlled. Everything's let loose now...fires burning through...hair on fire, hair on fire!!! Help!!! Haha....
And now I see who I can lean on and is always there no matter how far and no matter what. Even when I was feeling so low during camp, that person called me just to talk to me. Don't know how to thank you. But still have to become my driver...hehe.
For the past week or so, I've been out of the house constantly and everyday. Yes, am going to move non-stop. But during last night's family dinner, I almost dozed off while eating halfway. Haha. I partly blame the restaurant for bringing out the food so slowly and filling my stomach with air till I almost fall asleep. All my aunts and cousins were asking me to wake up. Malu-fying man. But I guess it's normal for me. Always got reason for something.....haha....
2 days before Christmas. I don't feel it. Maybe because.........bah!!
Christmas eve night...girls, drinking night!! Since we're very NOT occupied this year. See who go down 1st this time. Haha...hope it won't be me again la. But I didn't really go down the other time right? Haha...It's tomorrow......Yes, yes...must think of a place 1st.
And...I just realised that I've become a shopaholic. Been shopping ever since I got my pay. From cheap (not really cheap also =/) to expensive stuff. Satisfying I would say...nice nice =D But I still want shoes!!! I just saw something I want....haha.
As New Year's approaching, I think I do have a few resolutions this year. I don't usually have resolutions....don't want to disappoint myself. Haha....
- Maintain my attitude and don't change for nothing.
- Must, MUst MUST work extremely crazily harder next year.
- To be a better shopaholic. Haha...
- To be more organized with things.
- To have unwavering faith in Him.
- To TRY and not drive above 130km/hr.
- To have more patience.
- To improve my drums skills.
- HOPEFULLY a better person.
- And of course...to keep my New Year's resolution. =P
I just read Her blog and babe, I think I'm the right person to say that I know how it feels. (if you manage to read this la..lol) It takes a lot..in fact it takes all of you to actually love someone whole-heartedly. So I hope that you can hang in there alright? =) Or I'll emo with you on friday. Haha..
One thing I've learned. To just let it go. No matter how much you love that person, sometimes it's better to just let go. Not for the better of myself but for the better of you. I always want the best for you, so maybe this is it. I don't even count on wishing anymore when I know it won't come true. Throughout the months I've been wondering when will 'that' day come. But now I know it never will come. All I've ever felt was left with you. I can't do much from where I am but only to pray every night that you'll always be alright and have faith that He will answer me everyday.
So then, this is it...
Man...i'm so addicted to heroes. And season 2 is over. *sobs sobs* Am waiting for the last episode to download. Yeah...I know the whole crap about being fined and all for illegal downloading. But...I don't care...
Yeah... I would so like to say "I don't care anymore" to so many things. And....there's always the big 'but'. A whole lot of "ifs" will kill me good. Have to stay away from them....hmm.... Wheels of change are rolling. Actually a lot of wheels are rolling...Haha....
I really sound psychotic now..... Oh well....
Well well... I just got back from an outing with uni friends. Today is suppose to be meeting day. So yeah...I had my committee meeting and all. Then I headed off to fetch my friend and we came all the way back to Subang for lunch. Hehe..
We then decided to crash my place to watch the pathetic show called Enchanted. It's really not worth watching. Seriously. I actually fell asleep after watching half an hour of the show. Even Winnie fell asleep after me. But Amelia actually watched the whole show!! Salute wei...
After much of lazing around in my house, we went out for dinner with another friend. Our actual venue for dinner was steamboat...but it was closed!! Darn..of all days. So we went to pyramid to have our dinner. And we ended up walking aimlessly in Pyramid. At one point, we just looked down at the ice-skating rink and watch people skate and fall.
Man...the ice-skating rink looks like something else to me. Like those things which I've always wanted to do, have always said that I will attempt it soon but never did manage to even do it, I'
ll always look from afar. Yeah...it's sad I know.
Oh well, life's like that I guess. But today is a true testimony to Him and I really thank Him and am so grateful. For weeks, my mom told me some problem about my financial aid thing. And today it just became worse. I was really worried after I left campus. But THANK GOD that in the evening, mom came back with good news. They finally found the problem to the error. A true testimony...
In the pictures are... (1) My room...in a clean condition because it was time to go. (2) The swimming pool which lost so much water because of all our cannonballs. Tim's the best. (3) The football field...all sand. (4 & 5) The picture which was taken while we're looking at our balcony sliding door. (6) The lounge area which I sleep in most of the time before service...especially mornings. (7) The passengers in the Viva...we actually fitted 7 ppl uncomfortably in the Viva at one point. Thank God I'm the navigator. (8) The hall which we have all our services and it's super cold. (9) The source of all the mosquitoes. They're everywhere I tell you! (10) The foyer. That's what they call it. I call it a pond with huge and fat fishes in it. =D
I didn't manage to get the picture saying "I was there but not really there"....the beach. I was in P.D. but I didn't get to go to the beach! So sad. And I saw a shop whose name was "Pee Dee Stationary". Haha...that's original. The food that we had for the few days was surprisingly good. They fed us well till the 'papadam' became 'pak pak dam'. Not to mention 'Pope Jacky the Pak'. Still figuring out how that name came out. Lol.
The only sad thing was....even in camp, I had to go on with my drums lessons. Sigh...sad I tell you. But it wasn't that bad... Overall, thumbs up! I'm still feeling tired now though....
Well well, the past few days was really a roller coaster. Being up and down...busy and all. And now, it's finally time for me to go off. I didn't realise time slipped by me that fast!! But it's good in a way.
Anyways....I was in Carrefour few hours ago. Buying last minute stuffs. After mom paid for the stuffs, and as I was walking...guess what I heard? Fart!!! Like in the really loud FART!!! AND...THE GUY MAKING THE FART WAS RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. Instantly, I was like....WTF!!! The pollution!!! The...the....... argh!!!!! And the guy just continued walking. Seriously....OMG. I would take him out but the dude's HORIZONTALLY HUGE man. I really don't know what to say. Civilization? Hell no! No consideration at all.... My poor nose, my poor lungs, taking in the most deadly and polluted air of all. Dissapointment in Malaysians.....
*hint: don't kill the next generation that fast with highly deadly gas. thank you.
Few more hours to go and I'm still not asleep yet. Hmm.... am so going to faint there man. But....nah, I doubt it.
For the past week, due to the extra hours and days of bumming around in the house doing nuts, I kept pondering and wondering...
I wonder....
I wonder....
I wonder....how, I wonder why, yesterday you told me bout the blue blue sky, and all that I can see, is just a yellow lemon tree =p
Serious addiction I tell you...lol.
-signing off peeps!-
It seems that no matter what I do, it's never good enough. Right...there's always something wrong somewhere. I'm eff-ing tired of this.
Time to lay down dead....like right now.
Man...I'm so addicted to this show. Good story line I would say. Can't wait to watch the next episode.
Days pass so fast when you're caught up with things. You just don't realise that it slipped by you. Christmas is coming soon again. Really is a cold season this year. I used to want so much to see those Christmas decorations and lighting that were put up in KL. I still do. But it's all the same now when everything's in grey.
Looking at him every night as he sleeps, looking at him get weaker by the day. I know the medication isn't working too well. But I just need to try. I don't want to give up without having to try anything for him. So I'll know that when he's gone, the remaining half of me that I have right now will be gone with him as well.
Woah...this is my 50th post. Didn't know I crapped so much already. Hah!
Feels different going to work today. Hmm....don't know how to describe it. Probably because it's the last week of work. Real relief. That place makes me feel like I don't want to have my own kids. Haha....bummer.
Had that weird talk with one of the aunties from work before work started. Hmm....really really weird...
Sudden attack of the flu...and I can feel the sorethroat coming along too...darn. A bit wrong timing right?
Ache here, ache there..... OLD-ness!!!
Wish I could sing that song... I know what I have to do now. It's easier to sing it than to actually do it...
~coz an empty room can be so loud, there's too many tears to drown them out~
Was in ss15 this morning for breakfast with parents. After breakfast, I saw a japanese girl shouting and tugging, pulling, pushing, slapping...all the things you can think of...with what seemed like her boyfriend. That's what I make out of it at least. She was blabbering either japanese or korean at the top of her voice. The guy just continued pushing her out of his way in anger. The girl caught hold of the guy's singlet and pulled so that he won't get away. But the singlet ripped and the guy tore it...and....took it off his back so he could continue walking away. And....the girl just stood there and cry....
What a sight for a morning. Sigh.
Everyone seems to be asking me the same thing. "Are you tired?" "Why do you look so tired?"...Given the amount of hours that I sleep in a day, there is no possible way that I'm tired. Then mom said: "You're not tired. You're just lifeless. You got dead eyes now."
Well...it's true I guess. Life got drained out of my eyes.....sounds so dramatic......lol
And....youth camp is coming very very soon. Finally finalised the details for the games and....I suggested different games and activities compared to the ones they used to have. Be prepared for a change of fun in camp, people! Hopefully all goes well...
"That" day is drawing near. Scared. Sigh. Wish I didn't have to....
can you ever find a home?
i've been looking for that someone,
i'll never make it on my own
dreams can't take the place of loving you
there's gotta be a million reasons why it's true'
~what's the point?...you're not even listening...~
As the month of December draws near, I feel like I have more and more things on my mind. Not nonsense la. But stuff to do. Youth camp, Orientation Committee meetings, arrangements and rehersals. Not to mention, I was suppose to start reading up on my anatomy and physiology and also my metabolic biochemistry. I predict the metabolic biochemistry to be the death of me for the next semester. Sigh. Feeling hopeless for my top score already even before the term starts. Well, at least things will keep me 'running' all the time and I won't have to stop to 'feel'. Yeah....
Went to some traditional massage place today. Parents took me there right after church cause my shoulders were aching for like more than a week already. Signs of old age man. The moment the woman started, it was like.....ahhhh!!!!! PAINFUL!!!! Then she went on to rub my backbone and I got bad news. Apparently, the woman feels my backbone to be slightly curved compared to normal people's backbone which is straight. First bad news. Then, she rubbed the lower part of my backbone which I injured before. DIE!!!! Indescribable pain. She advised me to get an x-ray on my back cause that part of the backbone might be prone to infection or some sort like that due to the shape of my backbone, friction and stuff. That was the second bad news. Then she told my mom. And now mom is considering to send me for x-ray and to get a medical opinion and treatment, whether it's surgery or anything, if possible. But I told her I'm fine.....it didn't work. Mom still thinks going for x-ray is the best thing to do now. And.....also stopping my taekwondo. Third bad news. My hopes crushed to pieces....like instantly.
I'm very very willing...highly willing.....to drop dead now....yeah, like NOW. And go back to Him.
My first day off from work (not today of course), I sort of went crazy and started doing housework for no apparent reason..... Of course there's a reason!! My "need to be washed" clothes were piling up, so I decided to do it quick since I had the time. Then I decided to bathe the big and smelly fella living in my garden. It all went well until she bit me when I pointed at her. Can you imagine?! I thought it was fine until blood started LEAKING out of the nice long wound and I couldn't quite bend my finger for a moment. Yeah...it's still there now.
Yup. Notice that nice line on my pointer finger? It had iodine and some blood in it then, so it looked like that.p.s. ignore the wrinkly fingers
Everyday after work, I watch as cars pass me by. To me, it looks as though my days are passing me by like those cars. They never stop for anything...especially other cars. Time never seizes, even when I want it to. Hmm.... I find myself having the impression lately that if I try to run through everyday and don't stop like those passing cars, I just might be able to go through the remaining days and years numb. Sounds like a plan...
Sigh...why do I always read the same verse??? 1 Corinthians 13:13. Time to say...oi, apa ni? Swt swt and extra swt.
And this is for me piggy....
Just got home from a gathering with the taekwondo group. After such a long time, we finally have a gathering again. And everyone turned up. Good in some ways, bad in some ways. Got to see my sir's new house. Air-cond everywhere. I just can't imagine how much he'll have to pay for electricity every month. 5 of us that got there early went fooling around in a nearby park and got attacked by blood-thirsty mosquitoes. They were HUGE! As in seriously huge compared to the ones you see in your house. Reminded me of the mosquitoes during prefect camp. Mutated mosquitoes man. Got to see all the old faces in the gathering. But I didn't want to see 'him'. Seriously. Although it's a long time ago, but nevertheless, it's still an uncomfortable spot that just lurks there. And I hate to say this, but it's really permanent, it's not temporary. Because of YOU, I lost all confidence in doing anything. And I forgot to say thank you for doing that. No matter what people say, I guess it's just me. I'm unable to see it as though nothing happened.
And... no matter what anyone says about 'that' matter, it still remains the same in me. I'm not the C4(at least I think it's a C4 plant) plant that Pn. Daisy used to call my class...the plant that sways in the direction that the wind blows it.
After tonight, I really want to go back for training. Only this time, I'm not going to worry about any injuries or whatever that might break. 'Since nothing's there for me anymore', am not going to bother much bout this body of mine. Bend it and break it. Going all out in HOPES to achieve my 2nd Dan.
I just watched a show about Britney Spears' career life. I'm sure that anyone that reads this, doesn't know. Now you will know, that I was once was a huge fan of Britney Spears when I was young. I admired her talent at such a young age... not to mention dancing abilities. Maybe my primary school friends might recall ourselves being fans of hers at that age. I even have her album...orginal! Can't imagine huh? The show that I watched just now, played her music videos of course...it's on Channel V. Ahh... reminded me of that first song... Sometimes. As the show went on, it showed how much she's changed over the years. From being a girl next door to... erm, I think we all know what she looks like and acts like now. But nevertheless, she's made history by having the highest album sales. Among the music videos played were, Baby One More Time, Sometimes, You Drive Me Crazy, Oops!...I Did It Again, I'm A Slave For You, I'm Not A Girl Not Yet A Woman, Stronger, Me Against The Music, Toxic, and Everytime. There's one thing that I definitely notice...over the years, her music videos has more censored scenes! Hearing those songs again makes me want to listen to all the old songs that I used to love and still do love them now. Songs like:
A1 - One More Try
Britney Spears - Born To Make You Happy
Britney Spears - From The Bottom Of My Broken Heart
Gary Barlow - So Help Me Girl
Brandy - Have You Ever
Bruce Springsteen - Secret Garden
Bryan Adams - Everything I do, I do It For You
Jim Brickman - Your Love
LFO - Wishing On A Falling Star
...and of course many more. The narrator of the show explained how the singer thought she found the right man with her ex-husband(K-Fed) but ended up divorcing and her career came crashing down. Not only her career... I read in a magazine(I didn't buy it, mom bought it, so i read it) that she's doing plastic surgery to change how she looks because she doesn't like her own looks anymore. Plus, the shaving off of her hair and her God knows what to say lifestyle now. Why? HER friends claim that she couldn't take the divorce from the ex-hub. So...hmm..... sounds kind of familiar.
Anyways, enough of celeb news right? Yeah... people change with times. I can attest to that. I know I've changed in some ways... a lot of ways actually. God knows whether it's for the better or for worse. I've watched as people change for the worse too. Now I wonder whether you have changed. But I guess I'll never know...
Wedding dinner...in Renaissence( I think that's how you spell it)
In the car, on the way...all the songs...meant to kill me. Thanks. The dinner was right beside APIIT's prom night. So I met up with Jini there. The setting of the ballroom for the dinner was nice...of course...it's in Renaissence, what do you expect? Food was nice. Had a bit of beer and wine. On the way home, drove pass that restaurant...Piccolo Mondo. Sigh. Down memory lane...
...Headache...
Just got back from cell. Feeling uncomfortable... health wise and in another aspect as well. Uncomfortable about some things... but once again... gonna keep it in. Pastor asked me why I look sleepy and uneasy everytime... how to answer? Just said I'm tired... can't say much. How to say that I'm uncomfortable with some things? Can't say it out... so better to just swallow it in. Oh, me going to learn drums soon. Finally. After so long of wanting to learn drums. Hope I can manage and have the "beat sense" and don't wind up sounding or playing spastically.
So tonight... I pray... like how I do every night... just pray...
Songs of my day today:
Keith Urban - Tonight I Wanna Cry
Enrique Iglesias - Somebody's Me
Shannon Noll - Lonely
Hilary Duff - Now You Know
A1 - One More Try
Rick Price - Heaven Knows
Toni Braxton - Breathe Again
~they just say it all...
Tried to take a picture
Of love
Didn't think I'd miss her
That much
I want to fill this new frame
But its empty
Tried to write a letter
In ink
Its been getting better
I think
I got a piece of paper
But its empty
Its empty
Maybe we're trying
Trying too hard
Maybe we're torn apart
Maybe the timing
Is beating our hearts
We're empty
And I've even wondered
If we
Should be getting under
These sheets
We could lie in this bed
But its empty
Its empty
Maybe we're trying
Trying too hard
Maybe we're torn apart
Maybe the timing
Is beating our hearts
We're empty
Maybe we're trying
Trying too hard
Maybe we're torn apart
Maybe the timing
Is beating our hearts
We're empty
We're empty
We're empty
Am seriously disappointed... really really disappointed....
It's a product of Nike. It has lots of fur...
And it's rather big too... Sold at RM 199.00 per box.
Note: It serves as a good present.
The Fray - All at once
There are certain people you just keep coming back to
She is right in front of you
You begin to wonder could you find a better one
Compared to her now she's in question
And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same
Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there
Looking for the right one you line up the world to find
Where no questions cross your mind
But she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt
Much longer for you to sort it out
And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same
Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it, maybe you need it
Maybe it's all you're running from
Perfection will not come
And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes
We'd never know what's wrong without the pain
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same
Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you've started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it, maybe you need it
Maybe it's all you're running from
Perfection will not come
Maybe you want her, maybe you need her
Maybe you had her, maybe you lost her to another
To another
Looking at my last post, I've just realised that I haven't been online for a long time. Not really a seriously long time, but still averagely long time. Life's hectic in some ways. Work. Uni stuff....miserable uni stuff. Church. Hmm.... but mind still wanders when I'm busy. Interesting huh? Tonight is barbeque night. Suppose to be heading to church soon to set up the stuff. And of all times to get sick, I'm sick now. Swt man. Barely got voice to speak. But it's all good...still can talk...strain to talk. Hehe. And of course...the most common one of all...paip bocor!! The stubborn-ness of me has kept me from seeing the doctor.
Due to temporary boredom, I'm going to crap something here. =P
Here's about 6 people.
1st person: The person who tricked me into going to his house alone for his birthday dinner with his entire family...including extended family.
2nd person: The person who I didn't notice at all for a whole 1 year when we're actually in the same class.
3rd person: The false alarm person.
4th person: The person who was there...but never really there.
5th person: The person who.... goodness, I don't know what to say bout him.
6th person: The person who got me head over heels, understands me so well and showed and given me happiness in ways I never thought of before.
And so, this concludes everything. Always the same, it'll never change.
...End of blog...
Hmm... If you people notice it well enough, I'm not blogging as often as I do before. Well, I got work. Yup... WORK. For about more than a week after my last paper, I've been thinking hard of where to work 'cause i want a 5 day work so badly...or better known as an office job. Reason being 'cause I don't want to miss youth on fridays and church on sunday. Am so not willing to give them up. And so...a miracle came by and I was introduced a 5day job at a kiddy learning centre. I was told at first that they only needed me for like a week or so. But another miracle came. On the first day of work, they asked me bout my holidays and all....AND they offered me the job till december. WOAH.... I could never be more grateful. So, the past week has got me running around a bit but no complains. Love the kids but I do want to strangle them at times. I bet everyone feels that way when the kids scream at the highest pitch of their voices! Maybe when I'm done teaching there, I'll be deaf by then.
Wasn't feeling on top of things the past few days. Stomach's giving me problem again. Its fighting with its host. Whole body is rebelling against the owner. Oh no...
I watched 'The lake house' today. Am so touched by the show. No....tears did not come out. But I really like the show. Add it to the 'my favourite movies' list.
I think the title sort of says it all doesn't it? Yup. Experiencing serious injury pain again. Just got back from tennis. Ran for the balls like crap, causing ankle injury to come back. Ooo....the pain. Sweet pain. Finally!!! My serves are listening to me and are going in. Hah!! Hope it'll be consistent enough from today onwards. Hmm...my ankle feels like it's going to give way soon. Waiting for that day to come..haha. Aiks...back injury also back in action. Sound and feel old. Swt. Play more...play more...play more...
Drowning in the pain...just drowning in the pain...yup yup.
Someone asked me about it the other day. Sigh....no comment man. Am beyond words already at this point. Serious. Just speechless.
I want my Christmas. I want my Christmas. But it won't be the same Christmas anymore.....
It's just well over a month but it seems ever so long. Have begun to stop asking why. Like Mr. James Blunt sings: find comfort in pain. Yeah... Finding comfort in all my physical pain now.
It's 3.12am. Yup, I'm on the sleeping late mode once again. Actually am feeling rather tired physically due to the lack of sleep and all. But nevertheless, I don't feel like sleeping now. Decided to be an owl tonight. I feel so lazy today...like seriously lazy. Whole body feels heavy. Mom thought I was half awake when I went for lunch. Must be because of the no-sleep thing. Hmm.... Went cell today....or rather yesterday technically due to the time factor. Don't know why I just can't put on that happy personality today. Feel drained out. In need of a remedy.
Heard a meaningful song yesterday. Yup, another song right? Songs....they say everything that I can't say. Thankful for songs! =P
The heat nowadays is seriously horrible!! Capable of making me melt if I were to step out of my house. Can you imagine not having even a fan in this hot weather? Yeah!!! It's dreadful!! I experienced that yesterday night. There was power outage in almost the whole of USJ2 area for 4 hours!! Even when there's no sun, the heat....oh my God....unbearable. All thanks to the brilliant works of TNB. There was a free fireworks show in front of my house as well from the sparks that was flying out of the power cables. Cool isn't it? Thought the cable was going to snap any moment. At one point, the power did come back but the lights started flickering after a bit...just like you see in horror movies. But it went off completely again after that. Hot hot night it was yesterday....and it will be today as well...not because there's no power but because it is really hot!!
Oo...my record of not sleeping is gone. Due the the heat factor and no electricity factor last night and probably all of the past few day's things, I was finally sleepy when the power came back. So I finally slept after 3 days and 2 nights of no sleep. Body's a wreck now....yeesh.
Successfully went through a whole day without any sleep. Didn't sleep last night and didn't sleep throughout the whole day today as well. Wootz~!!! Record. Lets see if I'm able to sleep tonight. On top of not sleeping last night, I went for 2 tennis session today. Tennis frenzy! Took on mom and bro alone during the 1st tennis session. Then instantly hop into another game with some other adults. Signs of old age kicking in again. Back injury resurfacing like seriously fast. Not to mention the knee and ankle. Darn. But nevertheless, I'm going to play to the max. Ignore the injury, ignore the "no stamina" feeling, and most importantly...ignore the PAIN! Break it all!! Hehe. Waiting for the moment when I'll get warded into hospital because of the injuries...hmm. Must improve on my ground strokes and serve. It's all so cacated!!! Embarassment. Sigh. Disappointed.
Have officially gone insane!! Yeah. Notice how colourful the words above are? Hehe.
This song is stuck in my head the whole day: Through it all - Hillsongs United
Just heard this song today and love it so much...
Darn. Just remembered that I haven't completed...more like didn't even touch my proposal for RCM. Swt. Don't know what to write and do. Sigh. Not enough people some more. Another sigh.
Last sunday in church, we had an invited pastor to give a talk. My first thought when I saw him: I asked Tim, "why got foreigner in church today wan?". And Tim told me that he's a mix and he speaks like a typical china-pek. The moment he opened his mouth to preach....it was true!!! He speaks like a typical china-pek. Haha. Here's a lesson or 2 from Pastor Peter Khoo:
"A boy who didn't study at all, went for his school exam that was set by his teacher who was a christian. After getting back his marks, the boy was angry that the teacher failed him and he asked the teacher why. And so, the teacher told him that writing 'God knows all the answers' as the answer for all the questions would not help him to pass"
"There's a boy who sat for his exams and failed. As soon as his father saw his results, he asked the boy why he failed that subject. The boy said, 'I knew all the answers, but the teacher changed all the questions!'"
Meant for those who will be sitting for their PMR examinations now.
Woah...it's 1.12am now. Biological clock has been flipped over. Should sleep soon....
And no once again....I'm not drunk.
Just got back from dinner with relatives. So happen, there's a wedding dinner going on in the same restaurant. It reminded me of a time. The time when I was asked to accompany someone to a wedding dinner as well. Silly thoughts... Drank quite a lot of red wine but it didn't take effect. Darn. Wish it would.
Movie night yesterday was great. It was a nice movie: drums line. Except that the day was seriously hot. Unfortunately it wasn't under air-condition. So it was sauna for a bit. But nevertheless, it turned out good.
~edge of sanity~
Spend the whole day just sitting and staring at the four walls in the living room. The day's as dull as ever. I can't stop it...I just can't. So I penned them down in a different way. Will post it up as soon as it's done. Wonder if you'll understand what I'm trying to say then... Haven't done it in a long time. As for now, let this music say part of it...
It has been confirmed. After the approximately 1 month of sucking it up. I've finally crashed. Can't say that I've slept for the past few weeks. Appear to be sleeping but mind is not asleep. With things that come along the way, I just suck it up. Take it in and swallow it down. Now it has finally decided that it's time to CRASH....hard. And the feeling is DAMN SHIT!!!(forgive me Lord) Head burned and ached very badly today like it did last time. Haven't had it for such a long time and it's back. The thoughts are stubborn. It refuses to budge. Internal war....
Wishing for things that are impossible. Unable to say things that I really mean and feel. It's just a plain dead end. Seek comfort in the cold lonely darkness once again...
Arghh...!!! Grr...!!! Frustrated. Frustrated. FRUSTRATED!!! It makes me so frustrated that all the soothing songs in the world wouldn't help at this moment. Am frustrated at how it keeps repeating over and over again. Am frustrated at how I can't think of a solution still. Am frustrated for being in frustration and can't seem to calm down....stupid right? But I'm still frustrated. And it just keeps building up...swt-ness.
Was half-way driving back from uni after meeting today. Once again...a pool of thoughts and I'm swimming in it. And out of nowhere...it sort of linked to this song....
"Wherever you go, whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes, or how my heart breaks
i will be right here waiting for you"
Added swt-ness to the max. Of all times...
Hmm...I think I should have ventured into psychiatry or psychology. Might have benefitted me and I would be able to profit from there with all the counselling sessions that I'm giving nowadays. Hah!! Yes yes, I listen to people without any charge at all. FOC!! And yes I'm good at giving good solutions to personal problems but somehow I can't do the same for myself. Weird isn't it?
Then someone asked me..."how come you don't seem affected by things that just happened? changed already?" That has to be the funniest question I've gotten....well, at least it's funny to me. lol. It's not that I'm not affected, but why bother showing? It's not going to change the situation now would it? And no I've not changed. Haha. God knows I don't change that fast and I've already made my decision long time ago. Weird and funny questions people ask nowadays.
Hmm...I should charge consultation fees next time!! Yes yes....=P
Went for cell yesterday night and learned something. Cheating people. Well, when we say we cheat on someone, everyone will take it in a bad way no doubt. But what I learned was..."cheat on those you must cheat but never cheat on your loved ones". Very very true. We were watching a conference that was talking about this. It's interesting and really true. There's only so much you can help someone or do for someone, there's only so much work you can get done in a day. But you're wasting all those time just to do those things and neglect those that really care and love you.
Lesson of the day: "the lesser you do, the more you accomplish"
Sounds ridiculous right? But it makes sense. Things will fall into place eventually. Never apply the "if i don't......, it won't....". Fill in the blanks yourself. Learn to say no to things or people and set your priorities because you'll end up trying to please everyone if you don't.
So, spend time with those people that you care for and love. Even if you haven't heard from them for a long time, learn to reach out and you might never know the reply you'll get from them. Don't get buried in work or doing something else all the time.
Cheers!!
Finally 1st semester finals are over. Feel rather relieved after continuous days of being nervous, panicking, not sleeping and studying like there's no tomorrow. Glad that it's over.
Got a call from a friend last night telling me about his problems. At a time like this, I can still listen to other's problems and comfort them...interesting is it not? But nevertheless, I do the best I can. It reminded me of my own things as well. Keep wondering why people always fail to see the other side of things. There's always 2 sides to a story. Why only evaluate and judge from one angle when you can look at both sides of the picture? Is it so hard to look at the better side of things? The better side of a person? Watched a few movies that gave me some thoughts too...hmm... Remembering some things. Not like studying for finals went well the past few weeks. I was reading for PR 2 days ago, my last paper. Out of the blues, tears just trickled down. Omg....what the..... Those thoughts came rushing into my head. Good lord....and it was 3.30am already. My paper was at 9am the next morning. Goner. Scrambled to pull my thoughts together back to my PR notes.
It all still seems like it was just yesterday. I've decided long ago and it's not going to change. ......will always never change.
Got some good song recommendations recently thanks to PY. Meaningful...
"taking hold, breaking in
the pressures on, need to circulate
mesmerized and taken in
moving slowly, so it resonates
it's time to rest, not to sleep away
my thoughts alone, try to complicate
i'll do my best, to seek you out
and be myself, not to impersonate
tried so hard to not walk away
and when things don't go my way
i'll still carry on and on just the same
i've always been strong
but can't make this happen
'cause i need to breathe, i want to breathe you in
the fear of becoming
i'm so tired of running
and i need to breathe, i want to breathe you in
i want to breathe you in"
"she fooled all of her friends into thinking she's so strong
but she still sleeps with the light on
and she acts like it's alright on, as she smiles again.......
she's a question without answers
who feels like falling apart
she knows, she's so much more than worthless
she needs to find a purpose
she wonders what she did to deserve this"
*f.y.i. PY, those are christian songs...lol. but they're good though.
~the happy memories pull me through everytime, everyday~
for some reason, i just can't seem to let go of things. it's just too much. and letting go of it all is the same as breaking myself. i always ponder why all this happen...thinking that everything happens for a reason. but i still fail to find the reason behind it all. kept myself going for 1 reason...and now, even that reason is lost.
over and over again the same question appears but i have yet to find the answer. from being a complete person i was few months ago, to a person that is completely incomplete.
everyday is a masquerade. it's a matter of time before i completely lose it all...
everything is a mess and just this once, i can't fix it anymore.
this might be the last blog entry...or it might not. i'm not sure. but for the time being, it'll be left so as this is the last entry...
*breathe out*
finally got a bit of break and study time. more like have to force out the study time. haven't been studying for the past 3 days and the exam's near!!! #%$@&*!#@$&%$&...sigh. went back for tennis yesterday and my coach said to me,"i hope you're back for good this time". the usual reply i'll always give, "i'll try, i'll try". haha. can't help it. at least my strokes are still there! thank god! unfortunately..."old age" kicks in...no stamina...swt.
and for today, met up with my girls. had nice chats after so long...got to make it more often! hehe. went for cell group after that. yup, finally went for cell. and......it was fun! just got home not too long ago. now to study....pray for the determination to study!! haha...
back to the books and notes and whatever now...
watched high school musical 2 last night. yup, before it's released here in malaysia. thanks to limewire. i'll let you judge the show on your own when you've watched it. but here's some of the songs that really caught my heart...
enjoy if you like the show...
the internet has finally come to its senses...it became normal again. anyways, i heard of a story bout a girl today...
"this girl woke up early enough to get ready for her meeting at 2pm. and so she did. she went on her way to the meeting venue with things still well couped up in her head but she did not let it affect her. the meeting went on...discussions, decision makings and all. everyone talked and laughed and this girl had to force out a smile on her face so as to join everyone. meeting's over..she headed back home. on the way home, she saw an accident on the other side of the road. it reminded her of another accident. thoughts went into her head and everything came back to her concious mind. she kept thinking of the same thing over and over again. she drowned in her thoughts with the music in the background playing "how do i breathe without you here by my side, how will i see when your love brought me to the light...". in those deep thoughts, her vision started to blur....and when she came out of it for a moment, she saw the break lights of the car in front of her and she breaked as much as she could...just managed to stop before hitting the bumper of the car in front...."
who's the girl? is it true? don't ask me. like what i've said before....writer's going bonkers. so it's your choice to believe it or not.
will be trying to continue or start...whatever...my so called studying.
~i bet the bracelet broke....~
my internet at home has been confirmed to be CRAZY!!! and it's seriously pissing me off.
*note: writer might not sound like herself from this point forth coz she's going bonkers. tq.
current situation:
- completely not thinking straight
- mind's a blur
- exam's in a week's time
- revision is a blunder
- in with the right, out with the left (ear, brain...whatever)
- desperately wishing it was christmas (don't ask me why)
- in serious need of a lonesome holiday (already said i'm going crazy....)
- need some sort of remedy which seems impossible to find
- stressed and frustrated
- flow of thoughts jammed in one place
i'm not the person i should be...~
my internet is going bonkers!....sigh.
spent most of my day studying. this was what happened....
right brain (input): animal peroxisomes use oxygen to break fatty acid...bla bla bla
left brain (output): animal peroxisomes use oxygen to break fatty acid...bla bla bla
yup...that's it. in with the right brain and out with the left brain. nothing remained permanent IN the brain. things keep running through my head...mind unconciously occupied with thoughts.....FRUSTRATING.......
then came this song....
"i'm learning to fall,
i can hardly breathe,
when i'm going down don't worry bout me,
don't try this at home
pretend you don't see
i don't want you to know that you know it should have been me"
and.......
my new weight...48kg. that's right...my weight is dropping again...
now...i know the truth. and it's not what i've always thought it was. in somehow some way, i'm left speechless. so...i'll only keep the memories and nothing else.
everyone's happy now...
am about to turn my biological clock around. all for the sake of what?....exams. darn it. well, i'm suppose to be studying now but got a bit tired of it. can't help it.....it's dead boring..this subject that i'm reading that is. just few more weeks to go...
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if it can be measured, it'll be in the negatives....
monica - angel of mine
There was something inside of you
Something I thought that I would never find
Angel of mine
I look at you, lookin' at me
Now I know why they say the best things are free
I'm gonna love you boy you are so fine
Angel of Mine
How you changed my world you'll never know
I'm different now, you helped me grow
You came into my life sent from above
When I lost all hope you showed me love
I'm checkin' for ya boy you're right on time
Angel of Mine
Nothing means more to me than what we share
No one in this whole world can ever compare
Last night the way you moved is still on my mind
Angel of Mine
What you mean to me you'll never know
Deep inside I need to show
You came into my life sent from above
When I lost all hope, you showed me love
I'm checkin' for ya, boy you're right on time
Angel of Mine
I never knew I could feel each moment
As if it were new,
Every breath that I take,the love that we make
I only share it with you
When I first saw you I already knew
There was something inside of you
Something I thought that I would never find
Angel of Mine
You came into my life sent from above
When I lost all hope you showed me love
I'm checkin' for ya, boy you're right on time
Angel of Mine
How you changed my world you'll never know
I'm different now, you helped me grow
I look at you lookin' at me
Now I know why they say the best things are free
I'm checkin' for ya, boy you're right on time
Angel of Mine
although it's an old song...but it's just nice
due to the fact that the owner of this blog is having some sort of difficulties at the moment, blogging won't be as frequent as usual.
hah!! i've got a lab test at 1pm later and i'm still able to blog.
the lab test....isn't quite a lab test. but it consists of the students reading the damn lab manual and sitting for the PAPER WRITTEN test, not practical test. how "interesting" can it get huh?
the walls are coming down....
move away people!!!...
let me stand under it...
am currently addicted to few songs...
Shannon Noll - Lift
...close the book and start again
coz i knw how hard it can get
but you gotta lift, you gotta lift
and sometimes, that's how it is
but i knw you're stronger, stronger than this,
you gotta lift....
Shayne Ward - You're not alone
...if you only let the sun shine on you
i promise you, you're not alone
when the lights go out at nite
when you're feeling lost inside
you're not alone, you're not alone
when your world is falling down
i will be the one around
you're not alone, you're not alone...
Backstreet Boys - Lose it all
...and if i lose it all
there'll be nothing left to lose and i would take the fall
coz knowing you are out there breathing
it's so wonderful, it's a chance i take even if i break it
i lose it all, if i lose it all
wouldn't matter anyway...
Elliot Yamin - Wait for you
...so baby i will wait for you
coz i dunno wat else i can do
don't tell me i ran out of time
if it takes the rest of my life
baby i will wait for you
if you think i'm fine it just ain't true
i really need you in my life
no matter wat i have to do
i'll wait for you...
one word to sum it all up...
DEPRESSED..........
well...let me do a round up for this week before i dive into my books.
had my PR presentation on tuesday. it was HORRIBLE! and not to mention...screwed up. thanks to one idiot who wasn't even from the PR class...he managed to make my group look like idiots. one wtf situation. the lecturer was highly DISsatisfied with my group's presentation and we got a "call back" for week 14....the whole group's going to get all sorts of comments from her then.
moving on...on the same day itself, my favourite heels' strap broke due to the slippery conditions in the evening and i had to walk barefoot all the way to my car. another wtf situation. and while i was walking to the car, a car drove past a puddle of water and splashed the water at me...there goes my skirt and shirt. yet another wtf situation.
in conclusion, tuesday was a wtf day coz every damn thing went wrong.
on thursday was comp test day. studied like mad during the breaks that i had. and with one look at the paper....SHIT! gone case....crapped in the whole paper.
now...no choice but to study AGAIN coz there's biochem test next week and i'll seriously fail if i don't study...which wouldn't be a pretty sight then coz i'll go bonkers.
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my mouse aka tikus is showing signs of cacatness....hmm......
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and to finish this off.......it's time for me to study already.
thus, no more crapping here...
signing out-
comps systems & applications test is over! and i screwed it up once again. when i first got the paper, looked at 1st few questions of the fill in the blanks, first thought that came into my head....WTF!(only happens in the mind) what kind of question is this? read so much...altho last minute...BUT STILL i read a lot...all end up....WORTHLESS.
*note to self: reading for comp test is totally useless*
god knows what results i'll get...but confirm...it won't be good. another test coming soon....structural biochem test and cell bio lab test...in the same freaking week.seriously have to start studying or else i'll fail...sigh. time to ask myself...what happen to all the determination that i have before? and the only answer i can think of is.....it's gone with the wind. really gone...
swt....swt....swt!!!...
beautiful song...
meaning full lyrics...
Shannon Noll - Lonely
sitting in a hotel miles from nowhere
thought that this would be my happiness
i look at the phone and pick it up
for the millionth time i put it down again
i know i let you go
and i got no right to know
do you ever get lonely baby
don't you ever get tired of living that way
don't you ever wonder whether there's a better life out there
do you ever think about wat we had
and how you'd give anything to get it back
do you think you'll never love that way again
wondering if only
do you ever get lonely
i look around the room and wonder
when it was and how my life has changed
i'm surrounded by a million so called friends
and i don't even know their names
when all of your love is gone
and you feel like don't belong
oh tell me
do you ever get lonely baby
don't you ever get tired of living that way
don't you ever wonder whether there's a better life out there
do you ever think about wat we had
and how you'd give anything to get it back
do you think you'll never love that way again
wondering if only
do you ever get lonely
i know that this world has changed us
now we're nothing more than strangers
but do you think about me ever
do you think we belong together
do you ever get lonely baby
don't you ever get tired of living that way
don't you ever wonder whether there's a better life out there
do you ever think about what we had
and how you'd give anything to get it back
do you ever think you'll never love that way again
do you ever miss me
wishing you could kiss me
if only you could hold me
do you ever get lonely
like me...
pondering.....
pondering.....
pondering.....
when will it.........?
need to get it out of my head....
need to get it all out....
but for some reason....
just take the leap off the edge....
and we'll see how hard i'm going to fall....
~put out all the lights and let the darkness fill~
well....it has been god knows how many donkey years since i've last blogged. will try to be more consistent in the future......doubt so.
anyways....
life in uni now is pretty messed up. especially the group assignment. am about to.....BOOM!! however.......the final presentation is tomorrow. thank god!!! people will die in my hands if the presentation was any later. feel rather bad....but then again, it got the work going and all. so....i don't really care much now...just wanna get it over wit.
stress....
there's tests coming up and 1 of them is comp test...AGAIN!!!....this thurs. definitely burning midnite oil on wed nite. confirm! and then there's structural biochem test next thurs...am so going to fail that no matter how much i study. but nevertheless...have to sort of make an effort.
about other stuff....
have not been in a good mood lately. a lot of junk going through this thin or thick(i wouldn't know) skull of mine. and the junk is really refering to a whole lot of junk. seriously. just have to settle some stuff and get it over with soon....
and another news.....the twin a.k.a. py, is coming back on the 25th. now is the right time to sing : "joy to the world...all the boys and girls...joy to fishes in the deep blue sea...joy to you and me" finally...we have the "come let's go out in 5mins time" scenarios again.
*p.s.: babe...i know you're reading. don deny it. and don deny tat you miss me loads as well. i know it and you know it. yes!!
-and now....it's time to shower. just got back from the freaking far place where i call uni-
hmm...it's been sometime since i've updated this blog. well, i'm finally in university now. currently in UTAR pursuing my biomedical degree. travelling everyday back and forth. got to know some friends. dull lectures but nevertheless, need to stay awake and concentrate. hmm...that about sums up the beginning of a new chapter of my life, that is the uni life chapter.
friends from aus and uk are back for holidays now. another friend from kedah just went back. some friends going off to other states soon...some already have left. what's left is the nutshell once again. trying to not let the situation affect the mood but somehow it's beyond control. we'll soon find out what happens next...
ahh....finally a new blog. welcome to those who managed to find this blog of mine. lol. didn't really tell people about this blog. yes, i'll try to post up as much crap as possible. but of course, first of all, i must think of what crap to write. so...hope you people will enjoy reading craps. yup yup.
